Patricia Haman

Narcissistic Personality

     There is a lot of confusion in general concerning this type of personality organization.   Partly, this is due to the fact that narcissism is a natural part of our development.  it is exists throughout childhood as we begin life completely unable to consider the existence of others as separate from our own.  As our brain and faculties develop, we become increasingly able to experience real empathy for the experience of others and have true feelings for them.  People who are primarily narcissistic in their organization, do not adequately develop this capacity.  this can be expressed in many different types of behavior.  Primarily, Traditional Narcissistic Organization shows itself as very successful, intelligent, confident, good-looking and male.  He is so intelligent, he can figure out what others want to see in him, and show it to them.  As a child he was most likely, favored, spoiled and abused all at the same time in the same relationships.  He has mastered his environment intelligently, and is able to attract females who want to believe in the illusion he creates.  they are not able, for whatever reason, to detect that the presentation is not real empathy, caring and commitment.  They do not readily realize that they are a tool for the N. Person to feel good about himself.  Since most N. are males, I will use this gender.  The N. personality usually will develop some type of addictive behavior that allows them to alleviate what they perceive to be the constant  stress created by the perception that the needs of others are demands , especially by those closest whom he has some responsibility for.  This organization is adverse to real intimacy as it demands honest self disclosure, deep caring for their impact on others, and a humble ego which is impossible for the N.   

It is my belief however, that N. is on the rise in our culture.  children who do not grow up with stable, trustworthy attachments can easily develop this organization.  Especially if they are chosen by the parent and favored over others.  They in turn, figure out what the parent wants and deliver it at great cost to their authentic selves.  At the same time, they create a denied lower darker side which they keep hidden from the parent and others.  At some point, as a result of disappointment, especially in the parent, they may begin to act out this "other self" while using deceit to fool others.    Parents who grew up with narcissistic parents can easily develop these tendencies in their children by being overly identified with their children, allowing the children to remain special, perfectionist, and "better" than other people at the expense of empathy , compassion, and true development of human qualities. 

N. Parents believe themselves and their children to be special.  they often exhibit disdain toward others and do not readily value empathetic behavior once their children start to become older.  In adolescence they are expected to meet the demands for success and achievement the parent has also managed to meet. 

Psychopathic personalities are also narcissistic personalities and will be discussed further in the next writing.

In relationships, N. usually act out financially, have affairs, and disregard the needs and wants of their significant others.  Sometimes they either spoil their children to keep their adoration and/or completely ignore their real and very basic needs for a safe, secure nurturing environment which they themselves only partially received.

Insurance companies will not pay for personality organization work as it is believed to take a long time.  Body Centered methods can be very powerful in the identification and work with this types of disorders since they tend to get beneath the mask presentation and work on the deep split in the person between their perfectionists superior self and the underlying darker personality.

If you are involved with a N. you must be careful about how to handle the relationship.  The range of behavior the N. will exhibit will be based on his own unique abilities and characteristics.  Also, his characteristic ways of acting out in the relationship.  Most of the time therapist recommend you simply leave the relationship asap.  however, there are others who recommend you develop yourself in ways that allow you to help the relationship.  I think this is a personal choice and responsibility.  No matter what you choose, you must educate yourself on what your are involved with and begin your own self strengthening and development process while engaging with a strong support system.  Kim Cooper has an excellent book and blog, as well as Kaleah.  Kim's book is on staying, Kaleah's book is on leaving.  both are e-books.  Out of the Looking Glass, by Kim Cooper and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse by Kaleah.

Since it is my opinion narcissism is on the rise in our culture and our world, I will try to identify why.  Since technology is such a force in the development of our children's minds it is having a big impact.  It focuses children on DEFINED fantasy.  Fantasy created by others.  Most of this  media driven fantasy is focused on sex and violence.  The sexuality it defines is  self-centered, excitement oriented, and focused on utilizing others as objects not as humans engaging in meaningful  contact.  It is mixed with images of aggression and violence.

Babies handled daily by others from 6 or 7 am until 6 pm.  People who do not Love them or have genuine attachment feelings for them.  children are not developing any deep attachment to their caregivers either.  as a result most of every day they are apart from those they really long for creating an insatiable longing within that can not be filled or soothed.

When parents are able to be with t heir children, they are tired and have many other things to handle in order to be able to work a full day.  They are themselves in need of down time and focused on technology whether they are constantly on t heir cell phone, their computer or their tv. sets are entertaining them.  People are experienced as a demand not a pleasure, especially children.

pornography is readily available providing an outlet of fantasy that can not be realized with the people they love and are attached to.  this  fantasy easily takes over and becomes  more important than deep meaningful contact.

We are provided constant images of perfection in appearance and life style which is unrealistic and not even worthy.  However, it is made to appear that this is where the pleasure is.

We are becoming so far off track, raising a narcissistic hungry generation that lack deep attachment feelings and when they have them the relationship is distorted by narcissistic fantasy and images.

If you feel this is true, there are things you can begin to do to heal yourself and those you love.
turn off the tv.
turn off the computer.
create a warm, welcoming home.
start talking with people and try to give them support and see their perspectives without judging.
Do not look at the opposite sex as something to take from, but something to see and understand.
Give service where it is needed.
take care of animals and friends.
find something non sexual that gives you pleasure with yourself.
If you partner or loved one is narcissistic, do not blame yourself for their patterns.
begin to do for yourself and make your self happy.
do not accept any type of abusive degrading behavior from them.

 

The etiology for borderline personality

Occurs much more often in females possible due to increased emotionality (except aggression and anger).

Children have increased emotional vulnerability

    Very high sensitivity to emotional stimuli

     Intense response to emotional stimuli

    

Emotional Regulation

The ability to inhibit inappropriate behavior related to negative and positive emotions

Organize oneself to act in a way that is not mood-dependent when necessary

Ability to self-soothe any physiological arousal that the strong emotion induces

Refocus attention in the presence of strong emotion

Emotion Dysregulation in borderline persons is the combination of an emotional response system that is oversensitive and overreactive

And an inability to modulate the resulting strong emotions and actions associated with them.

The disposition to emotion dysregulation may be biologically based

A dysfunction in any part of the extremely complex human emotion regulation system can provide the biological basis for initial emotional vulnerability and subsequent difficulties in emotion modulation   

The role of the Invalidating Enviornment in Emotion Dysregulation

The crucial developmental circumstance in producing the emotion dysregulation described is the invalidating environment. 

This is very damaging to a child who starts out sensitive and with emotional vulnerability

Then the child elicits invalidation from the environment that may have otherwise been supportive

A defining characteristic of an invalidating environment is that parents tend to respond in an extreme fashion and they are not attuned to the child.

Optimal families provide a lot of public validation of private experience.  For example, if a child says they are thirsty they are given a drink not discounted. 

Successful communication is followed by changes in the behavior of others. This increases the probability that the child’s needs will be met and decreases the probability of negative consequences.  Parental responding is attuned and nonaversive resulting in the child being better able to discriminate between their own and others emotions.

An invalidating family is problematic because people in it respond to the communication of preferences, thoughts and emotions nonattuned with responses—specifically, with either nonresponsiveness or more extreme consequences than more sensitive validating social environments.  This leads to an intensification of the differences between an emotionally vulnerable childs private experience and the experience the social environment actually supports and responds to.  Persistent discrepancies between a childs private experience and what others in the environment describe or respond to as her experience provide the fundamental learning environment necessary for many of the behavioral problems associated with BPD.

In addition to early failures to respond optimally, the envalidating environment more generally emphasizes controlling emotional expressiveness, especially the expression of negative affect.  Painful experiences are trivialized and attributed to negative traits such as lack of motivation, lack of discipline, and a failure to adopt a positive attitude.  Strong positive emotions and associated preferences may be attributed to traits such as lack of judgment and reflection of impulsivity.  Other characteristics include restricting the demands a child may make on the environment, discriminating against the child on the basis of gender or other characteristics, and using punishment to control behavior.

The environment fails to teach the child to label and to modulate arousal, to tolerate distress, or to trust her own emotional responses as valid interpretations of events.

It actively teaches the child to invalidate their own experience and makes it necessary for her to scan the environment for cues about how to act and feel, and by oversimplifying the ease of solving life’s problems it fails to teach the child to set realistic goals.

By punishing the expression of negative emotion and erratically reinforcing emotional communication only after escalation by the child, the family shapes an emotional expression style that vacillates between extreme inhibition and extreme disinhibition.  The family’s usual response to emotion cuts off the communicative function of ordinary emotions. 

Emotional invalidation, particularly of negative emotions, is an interaction style characteristic of societies that put a premium on individualism, including individual self-control and individual achievement.

A certain amount of invalidation is necessary. 

Macoby argues that inhibition of action is the basis for the organization of all behavior.

The ability to self regulate and control affect.

This is crucial because its absence creates to disruption of behavior, especially goal directed behavior and other prosocial behavior.

Impulsive behavior and even suicidal behavior are seen as self regulation behaviors.

The inability to self-regulate inhibits the development of a cohesive sense of self.

Emotional consistency and self regulation lead to identity development.

Borderlines attempt to regulate by inhibiting emotions and this leads to a sense of numbness.

Successful relationships require that we self-regulate

Borderline individuals develop chaotic emotional relationships

They can not control their impulses and they express extreme negative emotions

They have difficulties with anger and anger expression